Tales of the Jesus Woman

I recently received this email from a neighbor.

I will be making a conscious effort to wish everyone
a Merry Christmas this year ...
My way of saying that I am celebrating
the birth Of Jesus Christ.
So I am asking my email buddies,
if you agree with me,
to please do the same.
And if you'll pass this on to
your email buddies, and so on...
maybe we can prevent one more
American tradition from being lost in the sea of
"Political Correctness".

This is the same person who sent me an email about how the A-Rabs were trying to kill her and her family. Considering where I live this is entirely laughable for more than one of many reasons.

I met this neighbor at a meeting for a neighborhood watch group which had formed because of about six burglaries up and down our street in as many weeks. The meeting itself was more like a lynch party than anything else and I never bothered to go to more meetings. I also have lived to regret giving out my email to this person who believes in the birth of Christ and that Arabs are trying to kill her and her family.

This neighbor also has an extremely large American flag flying from the front of her house, the flag is actually larger than the house, maybe larger than the flags that fly from public buildings, it might be the largest flag in the nation though I cannot be sure of this.

Turns out the burglars live right across the street from me which includes a drunken construction worker, a mother dope addict, her two daughters -- one who is small enough to go through pet doors to unlock the regular door from the inside -- and the two sons of the husband from a previous marriage (made in hell no doubt) who are also dope addicts, when they aren’t burglarizing houses or stealing cars that is.

It occurs to me that it is a toss-up as to who I dislike more -- my patriotic neighbors (they all have flags but none as large as the Jesus woman’s) or the burglars. Personally I think they may deserve each other. As for myself I am moving this spring either to the Bay Area or Monterey. Spring cannot come too soon.

My advice to all and sundry is that if you ever get the hankering to move to a rural area with visions of quiet pastoral vistas and down to earth local yokels you should probably go get your head examined or at least find out if insanity runs in your family history. And while the demise of Christmas may indeed be at hand it isn’t exactly at the top of my list of important things to worry about. No offense to Jesus who was probably a real swell guy.