Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Political Translation Guide

As you may have noticed the English language in the hands of an adept politician is a strangely wondrous thing. Words become plastic to the point where the usual rules of syntax fall apart like the laws of nature cease to exist inside of a black hole. In fact when it comes to political lingo no rules apply and any given word can be attributed a new meaning by the politician speaking them without letting the listener know that they changed the meaning of said word! So in view of this marvelous epiphany I am starting a project to create a universal translation guide to political speak. I have made a modest beginning which you can read below. If anyone wishes to add to the list with their own contribution please feel free to do so.

Terrorist: 1. Usually brown people, mostly innocent women and children. 2. People who object to the United States invading their country for fun and profit. 3. Any nation that does not toe the line for U.S. imperialism.

Collateral damage: 1. Usually brown people, mostly innocent women and children.

Hope: 1. Self Delusion.

Change: 1. No change.

Humanitarian: 1. Killing brown people for their own good. 2. Invading and occupying nations so that we may steal their resources albeit for their own good. 3. Lynching foreign leaders before they can spill the beans.

Surgical air strike: 1. Assassination of suspected terrorists usually resulting in the needless deaths of many innocent women and children, usually brown. 2. Blanket bombing civilians, mostly brown people.

Democrat: 1. Republican.

Republican: 1. Same as above.

Nation Building: 1. Killing brown people for their own good. 2. Installation of puppet government in weak nations unable to defend themselves so that we may steal their resources.

Bipartisan: 1. Bowing, scraping, and fawning before Corporate America. 2. Passing the worst possible legislation.

Global War on Terror: 1. Imperialism. 2. A tool used to terrorize the citizens of one’s own nation so that a government can pass the worst possible legislation (see bipartisan).

Extraordinary Rendition: 1. Kidnapping innocent people based on bad information followed by torture and murdering the kidnapped victim.

Diplomacy: 1. Giving the intended victim an ultimatum that no one could ever accept usually followed by invasion (see nation building).


At October 29, 2008 4:57 AM, Anonymous Jose said...

I'm having a hard enough time trying to find a girlfriend willing to name a potential child of ours Lou Dobbs, and now this.

At October 29, 2008 7:27 AM, Blogger Mimi said...

That's why I'm voting for Nader.

At October 29, 2008 7:59 AM, Blogger Jonathan Versen said...

Hey Rob,
I'm reminded of Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary. However I have a minor quibble, insofar as I think it's more accurate to describe the Democrats as the secular wing of the Republican party.

At October 29, 2008 11:08 AM, Anonymous Peter VE said...

Voter 1. Delusional citizen

At October 29, 2008 2:24 PM, Blogger rob payne said...

Jose, Hey- good luck with your quest!

Mimi, Nader is refreshing compared with the dynamic duo. At least a person can vote for him and still be able to sleep at night.

Jonathan, you devil. Secular branch is good and probably more accurate.

Peter, thanks for the contribution, I’ll add that to the list.


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